ALARMED

 I turned on the bed and I felt my husband sit-up and then stand up to get out of the room. We had a new alarm clock this past month, it was a human alarm clock my mother-in-law.

Dapo, my husband brought her to our house because she had been falling sick in recent days, and he felt he owed her companionship and care, but seeing her this past month Mama has not fallen sick since she moved in to the house, she didn’t even look like she had been sick before she came. I expected a calm, tired, sickly Mama, but alas this past month we have had a very strong, loud, active one. She was more of a terror than a sick old woman.

Mama wakes up by 5.30am does her prayers and at around 6.00am everyday I hear her footstep coming towards my matrimonial room and three bangs on the door followed by her voice “oko mi Dapo, se oti ji ni” (my husband, Dapo haven’t you woken up). Gosh, it is so annoying, it runs me mad. AAargh, I have had to wake up compulsorily this past month by 6.00am everyday because of Mama’s so called illnesses and my darling husband Dapo will stand up like a tamed puppy answering to its master’s call everyday in a robotic way- sit-up, stand up and go out to meet his ‘mummy’, he would spend about thirty minutes with her every morning saying God knows what.

I always try my best to get back to sleep but it is always impossible, my beautiful sleep is always stolen from me. I cherished memories of my sleeping till 7.30am and I sighed and said a little prayer, not forgetting to let God touch Mama into getting bored enough to return to the village.

I am Farida Dawodu,I am an entrepreneur and I own a medium sized supermarket, I have been married to my husband Dapo Dawodu for eight years now and we are still waiting on the Lord for our miracle, a child. We are a happy couple and we are comfortable and honestly life has been quite interesting for me until Mama’s camping began in our house.

Trust me I have had my share of being called barren, empty barrel, a useless piece of furniture in my husband’s house by my in-laws, but here I am still with the love of my life Dapo. I have been through the pastor, alfa and baba phase. Yes o, I visited Babas, please don’t judge but you can never understand what it is like wanting a child so bad and working so hard towards it and yet everymonth you need sanitary towels.

I had my phase of taking fertility shots too, I was always on the internet checking up new ways to get pregnant and the sorts, I popped pills like breathing in air, I hate concoctions, I drank brownish tasteless water, I washed my head God knows how many times, I fasted, I slept in church. I became a harlot of churches. I rush to any church I hear a miracle happened. Sigh I just can’t say all what I have been through this past eight years.

The worst period was when my husband moved out, he left our matrimonial house for a week and slept at a hotel, I cried everyday till he returned. He said I was depressed and I was breaking our marriage. He complained about how I looked and how the only thing on my mind was having a baby, he said making love seemed somewhat mechanical as I did it solely to procreate, I wanted the same style everytime but will you blame me, I read it in a book that the style leads to easy conception. Whew, the most embarrassing however is he said my hanging my legs up high for minutes after we made love was a really disgusting sight, that I looked pathetic. Well a website advised, lying down with your legs up for few minutes after sex so that the sperm will reach the ovum. Well hearing my husband say all this made me realise I had truly lost myself in this baby search thing and he returned when I promised to change and I did change, I now take care of myself and baby is still important but it’s not taking over my whole life.

At least now I don’t cry when I go for naming ceremonies, I no longer hang my legs up after sex, I no longer force only one style in bed and I don’t look depressed anymore and we have been happy. We haven’t really had any arguments since then and life has been good, but mama was threatening that now. I am getting tired of her.

Mama complains about everything, about my maid- who actually tells me most of what mama does anyway, mama says why do you even need a maid when there is no child in the house, she would say I believe it is lazy that you own a shop at your age, shouldn’t you be working in a big office like my son?, how come you drive a jeep and my son drives a car, isn’t he the head of the house?, why do you like to cook ‘ugwu’ all the time, don’t you know your husband likes ‘shoko’ and prefers efo riro?.

I wouldn’t even reply mama’s questions because as far as I am concerned they are rhetoric, I would just flash mama that readymade fake smile that I learnt specially for her. With mama in the house now I get to the shop earlier than I usually do. I seize every opportunity I get to be away from her. I would have being more comfortable with her if she had been nicer to me and not always try to hurt me with words. One day mama asked me “how many abortions have you had because they must countless for you not to have been able to get pregnant”. She asked it as if she was asking me what my name was, so casually and yet so scornfully. I cried all day.

I asked my husband when she would leave because she seemed fine to me, he pleaded with me to ignore her and that she would leave in a little while. I screamed inside of me, he didn’t even give a particular date, at least I would be mentally prepared if a date was fixed, but I consoled myself that a little while could mean tomorrow. Alas another month has passed and it is still a little while. I try not to nag on mama’s issue with Dapo because he gets really defensive with his family. So I have been managing sha.

I got to the shop and wondered what had changed because mama used to be so nice and caring and loving, but the past few years she became the literal monster-in-law. Now mama has Dapo’s attention first thing in the morning and last thing at night, sometimes I feel I see a glimmer of victory in mama’s eyes, I feel she thinks I am a rival to her, I just don’t understand.

I reminded Dapo about Mama leaving and he begged me to be patient, imagine o, see this man. Sometimes I think of initiating lovemaking at about the time mama comes to knock so that I would see who the master really is, I wonder if Dapo will stop making love with me to go and meet mama or if he would dare try to turn it into a quickie just to go and attend to mama. The truth is I never got around doing this because I am scared to really know who the boss is, Dapo is really unpredictable and I know that I would be really hurt if I lost. Abeg what I don’t know won’t kill me.

TO BE CONTD...

it's eating me up 2

I wondered why Catherine hadn’t warned me that she invited Afam, she knew how crazy I was about him in the university. I pinched myself as punishment and went to sleep in Marks loving embrace. Catherine called to thank me the next day and expressed her sadness about me not being able to wait and take pictures with her, I apologised and almost asked why she hadn’t given me a warning that Afam would be there, I quickly cautioned myself and asked who made the cake instead because I didn’t want her to think my seeing Afam had any effect on me. The rest of the week went perfectly well even the thought of Afam didn’t creep to my mind anymore like it did the first two days after I saw him.

 Catherine came over to my office and asked me to take her to lunch, as I ordered I noticed tears in her eyes and she told me, ‘my boyfriend just dumped me’, I was surprised because we hadn’t really talked about her boyfriend, but she needed a friend and I was proud she came to me, I consoled her and we found ourselves talking about our university escapades and boyfriends and how we dumped and got dumped, this made her laugh but made me highly uncomfortable because I had just opened a flood gate of memory with Afam, and even though we had stopped talking about it, I couldn’t close the gates to that memory anymore. I got home, made a meal for myself and chuckled to myself, remembering the night Afam and I won the couple of the year. My thoughts were distracted by a phone call from Mark, we chatted a while as he was on a business trip, the house felt so empty without him around. I slept that night and dreamt of Afam, I woke up in tears, the guilty conscience was tearing me apart, it was barely two years after our marriage and I was already dreaming of another man. My husband returned with so many gifts for me I burst into tears, I thanked him for being so good at being a husband and companion.

On Monday I was told that I had a guest, Alas it was Afam, I felt so uncomfortable but it was so nice seeing him in suit, he looked really classy. I was embarrassed because some people recognised him and his status and they kept staring so I begged him to leave, he was adamant and I promised to come see him since that was the only thing that would make him leave my office. I tossed and turned at night and Mark noticed, he told me I had been behaving off, I assured him everything was okay and we had a special night, Mark is a big romantic and cares about making love and not just having sex so everytime was special, Mark paid attention to every detail and it was very nice. 

Mark travelled for another business trip. I got six calls from Afam that day and I found myself going to his office, I was not entranced but I felt entranced, we went to a guest house and I made the greatest mistake of my life. I allowed Afam do things to me and to make matters worse I liked it. I cried throughout that week and didn’t even show up at work, I begged Mark to return home and he did, he didn’t know why I was so sad and I told him not to ask me, so he just took care of me like a baby. Everything returned to normal, I called Afam and told him never to call me again I wish I did that earlier though. Months after I collapsed at work and the doctor tells Mark and I that I am pregnant and that I would need bed rest.

 I consoled myself everyday throughout the pregnancy that it was a fifty-fifty chance and that the baby could be Marks as we had made love a day before what happened with Afam. But I knew I was kidding myself, I had not conceived for two years in our marriage and suddenly around the time Afam and I had an affair I suddenly get pregnant, I told myself is it really a fifty-fifty chance or an eighty-twenty chance, eighty going to Afam that is. I have been eating myself up everyday because I am not sure and because I fear Mark would find out one day and it would break his heart beyond repair. 

I was in fear everyday for 4years since our daughter has been born till date. I did a blood group and genotype test and it still didn’t give any help to me, as I realised Afam and Mark are both the same bloodgroup and genotype, the only way I can be sure is through a DNA but do I want it? Knowing she could be Marks baby seems okay for me if not for the guilty conscience. Sometimes when we go out as a family, some people say oh Kim looks just like your husband, she has his nose, eyes, jaw and complexion and my heart will be delighted but then again when she sleeps she does that thing Afam did everynight when he slept putting his thumbs in between the four remaining fingers and she can roll her tongue like Afam, which Mark and I cannot do. I don’t know what to do, this thing is eating me up. Help!!!

 IT'S EATING ME UP 1

As I stood at the window, I watched my husband drive in with our child, there is surely no greater joy than to see so much love in a husband’s eyes to his family. At the climax of this feeling, it was abruptly interrupted by a sharp pain in my heart. I thought of the most dreaded, the day Mark my husband will find out Kim is not his child. The child he had taken so much care of, the child that  made him shed tears of joy the very first day he carried at the hospital. I quickly brushed it off my mind, he would never find out I convinced myself as I always did this past four years.
We had been married for six years now and Kim is four years old, we had hoped for a child the very year we got married as we got married in January and I thought it would just be like magic and I would just get pregnant like regular couples, but there was no issue and my husband begged me not to worry, he reminded me that God was on the throne and that we should have faith as it was still quite early in our marriage, as we have seen couples who went through worse.

 My husband and his family never made me feel bad well at least not yet.One evening I collapsed at work, I work as a customer care consultant in an average company, I was rushed to the hospital my office held a retainership, I was later told by the Doctor that I needed a lot of bed rest as I was pregnant, my husband rushed into the hospital room shortly after, and the doctor told him the same thing , he was ecstatic and jumped for joy, he immediately started talking about how I had to resign from work and start planning where to give birth. He was so happy and kept saying ‘God has done it for us’. This was supposed to be a really great news but I felt it was the worst news my ears could ever hear at that moment. My heart raced and I was so confused, Mark noticed and asked if I was alright, I said I was okay but I was just tired, i struggled to keep the tears in my eyes but it was so overwhelming and I wept and I convinced my husband that it was because I was so happy.
 I thought of the events that happened in my life after Catherine’s party and I shuddered.Catherine is my friend, we were very close in the University, we were even roommates, but we lost touch after we graduated, we went to our various states for our youth service, and years after we bumped into each other at payless stores, we were so excited to see each other and we had uncountable questions for each other.
 I never knew that ironically as I thanked God for letting us find each other again, I would feel the opposite way the rest of my life.We went for lunch together that day and said so much, I told her that I was now married she was excited until I told her I married Mark, I saw her smile drop a little but I felt that she was just surprised and overwhelmed, I told her I was waiting on the Lord. We kept in touch and I even told my husband I saw her, he didn’t seem quite excited, he just told me to be careful as she may not be the same person I knew then as people change. I laughed and told my husband I would be careful.Catherine and I went for lunch again few days after, she told me she worked as a banker in one of the top banks in the country and she drove a really nice car and dressed really well I noted mentally. I was happy for her knowing the very humble background she came from. I asked her of her mum and siblings and she scoffed and said she hadn’t seen them in a while and that they were trouble and that she didn’t even want to hear from them at all. I was so surprised and tried to press harder on the issue but I soon realised it was a closed door that she didn’t want to open.
She invited me for her birthday party coming up the next month and I told her that I tell Mark, and I noticed she rolled her eyes and called me Ruth, we had a good laugh. I told Mark and he had no issues in letting me go but I must promise that I would not come home late so that he wouldn’t be worried. I agreed gladly, I didn’t like to stay out late either ways. I slipped into a gold short dress that flattered my curves, because I didn’t go out much I had worn the dress only once for Mark and I’s anniversary and he loved the dress so much. I felt good with myself and the dress and I was glad that there was party and I was going, I hardly go out and this excited me.I arrived at the party and it was like a University reunion, I wondered how Catherine still had the contacts of all these people from our University and didn’t have mine until we met at the supermarket. I remembered going to her family house to look for her before we resumed to our various camps for the youth service. The family members looked lost especially since her phone was switched off since the moment we dropped our pens for the last papers.
 Anyway I quickly took my mind off it as I had not come for the party to brood and wonder over things I had no control over, but to have fun.Liz, I heard a husky voice call my name from behind I turned and I almost tripped, I was so surprised to see Afam, he was my ex-boyfriend, I was head over heels in love with him until he dumped me after we dated for two years. He still looked the same just more comfortable and matured. I could guess he had a good job and he smelt really nice even from the distance, he quickly hugged me and said I have been staring at you from a distance, I just cant believe my eyes he said, he looked at me from top to bottom, he noticed my rings during his screening and asked you are married, I hurriedly composed myself and said, happily married. He laughed and started asking about where I worked and the sorts, I gathered from our talk that he was not married and was a manager in a popular telecommunications company, though I must say I did a little screening of my own earlier and noticed he didn’t have a wedding band on, so his telling me was just a confirmation. I had no idea why I felt happy about that.I felt so uncomfortable being that close to him and I felt my throat tightening periodically, I soon announced my exit to Afam, Catherine and all the other people I knew. 
Afam tried to persuade me to stay saying that the party was just about to begin but I smiled and said I have a husband at home to care for, the smile was actually a laugh in my mind, I was glad I had the chance to spite him but from what I saw he kept the same face on and looked unperturbed by what I said.On my way home, I asked myself what the problem was as I didn’t even dance at all at the party which was the number one activity in my party activity list, Afam had never been on that list I had no idea I would see him. I always made a mental activity list for things, weekends, going to the office, shopping etc. I wondered why Afam made me so nervous after all he dumped me for that skinny girl I retorted.
 I entered the house and Mark was so surprised to see me that early, he even felt bad that maybe it was because he made me promise to come home early that I didn’t chill to enjoy the party, he said I didn’t mean you should come this early darl, you barely spent an hour there, I assured him it wasn’t his fault.Mark said well I have to enjoy seeing you in this dress, he pleaded with me not to pull it off yet, he switched on the DVD and inserted the old school blues, he crept behind me and held my waist while whispering the lyrics of the love song into my ear, we were so happy, I was especially grateful to God for giving me such a loving husband, our night was magical, but it kept getting interrupted by the swish of Afam’s perfume I kept smelling, I wondered if it was my mind but later concluded that it must have stuck on my body when he hugged me.
 My husband was cuddling me and I was thinking of Afam, I realised that I was in trouble and immediately started regretting ever going for the party.

TO BE CONTINUED...