it's eating me up 2

I wondered why Catherine hadn’t warned me that she invited Afam, she knew how crazy I was about him in the university. I pinched myself as punishment and went to sleep in Marks loving embrace. Catherine called to thank me the next day and expressed her sadness about me not being able to wait and take pictures with her, I apologised and almost asked why she hadn’t given me a warning that Afam would be there, I quickly cautioned myself and asked who made the cake instead because I didn’t want her to think my seeing Afam had any effect on me. The rest of the week went perfectly well even the thought of Afam didn’t creep to my mind anymore like it did the first two days after I saw him.

 Catherine came over to my office and asked me to take her to lunch, as I ordered I noticed tears in her eyes and she told me, ‘my boyfriend just dumped me’, I was surprised because we hadn’t really talked about her boyfriend, but she needed a friend and I was proud she came to me, I consoled her and we found ourselves talking about our university escapades and boyfriends and how we dumped and got dumped, this made her laugh but made me highly uncomfortable because I had just opened a flood gate of memory with Afam, and even though we had stopped talking about it, I couldn’t close the gates to that memory anymore. I got home, made a meal for myself and chuckled to myself, remembering the night Afam and I won the couple of the year. My thoughts were distracted by a phone call from Mark, we chatted a while as he was on a business trip, the house felt so empty without him around. I slept that night and dreamt of Afam, I woke up in tears, the guilty conscience was tearing me apart, it was barely two years after our marriage and I was already dreaming of another man. My husband returned with so many gifts for me I burst into tears, I thanked him for being so good at being a husband and companion.

On Monday I was told that I had a guest, Alas it was Afam, I felt so uncomfortable but it was so nice seeing him in suit, he looked really classy. I was embarrassed because some people recognised him and his status and they kept staring so I begged him to leave, he was adamant and I promised to come see him since that was the only thing that would make him leave my office. I tossed and turned at night and Mark noticed, he told me I had been behaving off, I assured him everything was okay and we had a special night, Mark is a big romantic and cares about making love and not just having sex so everytime was special, Mark paid attention to every detail and it was very nice. 

Mark travelled for another business trip. I got six calls from Afam that day and I found myself going to his office, I was not entranced but I felt entranced, we went to a guest house and I made the greatest mistake of my life. I allowed Afam do things to me and to make matters worse I liked it. I cried throughout that week and didn’t even show up at work, I begged Mark to return home and he did, he didn’t know why I was so sad and I told him not to ask me, so he just took care of me like a baby. Everything returned to normal, I called Afam and told him never to call me again I wish I did that earlier though. Months after I collapsed at work and the doctor tells Mark and I that I am pregnant and that I would need bed rest.

 I consoled myself everyday throughout the pregnancy that it was a fifty-fifty chance and that the baby could be Marks as we had made love a day before what happened with Afam. But I knew I was kidding myself, I had not conceived for two years in our marriage and suddenly around the time Afam and I had an affair I suddenly get pregnant, I told myself is it really a fifty-fifty chance or an eighty-twenty chance, eighty going to Afam that is. I have been eating myself up everyday because I am not sure and because I fear Mark would find out one day and it would break his heart beyond repair. 

I was in fear everyday for 4years since our daughter has been born till date. I did a blood group and genotype test and it still didn’t give any help to me, as I realised Afam and Mark are both the same bloodgroup and genotype, the only way I can be sure is through a DNA but do I want it? Knowing she could be Marks baby seems okay for me if not for the guilty conscience. Sometimes when we go out as a family, some people say oh Kim looks just like your husband, she has his nose, eyes, jaw and complexion and my heart will be delighted but then again when she sleeps she does that thing Afam did everynight when he slept putting his thumbs in between the four remaining fingers and she can roll her tongue like Afam, which Mark and I cannot do. I don’t know what to do, this thing is eating me up. Help!!!